MRFF's Inbox

October 14, 2008

Posted to MRFF Discussion Forum by: FrustratedArmyWife
Post subject: If moving doesn't make it hard enough...

I am writing to thank you for all of your efforts and to share my story. While I often feel as if I am the only one who feels this way, I know there must be others.

We are a “New” Military Family. As you all know, with that comes, excitement, fears, disappointment, stress and meeting a lot of new people. One of the things I was most excited about was living in new places and meeting new people. (I grew up in New England) Not only was I excited about it, but my daughter was also excited. Sadly, it hasn’t always been a positive thing for us. Our first move happened to be to the Deep South. While this wasn’t exactly what we had hoped for, and we knew it would be short term, I was willing to make the best of it. It has been a very hard task at times. I was raised Catholic and I consider myself to be a “non-practicing Catholic” When I say this, I mean we are Catholic by tradition. I will attend mass with my family on holidays; I can appreciate certain traditions of the church. I feel more comfortable in a Catholic Church than any other. However, my husband and I both feel that being Catholic for us is based on tradition and our heritage. It ends there. I guess the Catholic was beat out of me growing up for myself; I have a hard time with Christianity. I feel that it important to do good things for the sake of doing good things. Not because Jesus wants me to, not because I want to go to heaven and not because it looks good. As one friend put it to me “I want to make my own little mark in the World, I don’t need Jesus, Religion or a Church to do that. I just want my mark to be positive.” I try to be kind, helpful and stay positive. I am happy to lend a helping hand, to watch a friend’s child while she makes a quick run to the store for milk, I volunteer in many areas and when I am concerned about something, I find positive ways to help “fix” the issue. I hardly think any of this makes me a bad person. The problem is that while I am doing these things, a topic many of the wives are bringing up is the fact that they are Christian. I have been asked endless times where I attend Church (the assumption is that everyone MUST go to Church) This is a question that I have a really hard time with, to the point where I have flat out lied and stated a local Catholic Church (although being Catholic hardly stops them from pushing harder) Once in awhile I will explain that while I was raised Catholic, we are not practicing (which always ends in people asking how we can be Catholic if we don’t practice.) Most often I simply say we don’t go to Church. The only reason I dislike saying this is I am made to feel like the most rotten wife/mother/human around. I have been told that I am not giving my daughter a fair chance in life, that there is NO excuse for not going to Church, I have been invited to their Church, (I get this one after I say I am Catholic too) I have been told that Jesus loves me, Families have said “well, let us take your daughter to Church, please” I have even been told that I am putting my husbands life at risk by not praying for him! On top of this I was recently asked why my husband and I did not have more children. I explained that we were content with one for now, and the woman continued and asked me how I managed to not get pregnant over the last 8 years. My mind raced at this point. For all she knows, I could have had multiple miscarriages! I honestly wasn’t quite sure what she was asking, as the answer seemed too obvious to me. I ended up telling her the type of birth control I use. Her mouth dropped and she said to me “Hun, do know that birth control causes mini-abortions all the time?”

I could go on and on with examples of situations. That is not my point though. My point is that I am an “Army Wife” just like the other wife. I am surrounded by new people, a new area and lots of new things, just like they are. I am a good person, very active in the school and work hard to live a healthy, positive lifestyle. I find it to be terrible that to make friends and develop bonds, a spouse is nearly expected to follow a certain faith. Otherwise it is likely that she will be an outcast. FRG meetings consist of undertones of Christianity, I feel sad for someone who might be Muslim, Jewish, Hindu or Buddhist during prayer at a formal event. It breaks my heart when my daughter comes home saying that her earrings are “Earrings of the Devil” and that not going to Church means that our family is going to Hell!!! ?!! I am sure that my daughter would be in HUGE trouble if she told a child that there was no such thing as heaven/hell and or that the cross on her necklace was a bunch of make-believe. Why are these behaviors and comments made by the Christians acceptable?!! We even have families on our street who have invited my daughter in for a “Bible Study” without my permission. My daughter had no idea and asked if she could “play” at her friend’s house. I am not opposed to my daughter learning about multiple faiths, but I would like to know it is happening. I am sure the parents would have been horrified if I invited their daughter over to read the Torah. Because this behavior, it makes supporting my soldier harder than it needs to be. At the end of the day, I am going to support him no matter what, but it is costing me more than it should. It is costing me friendship, feeling accepted and causing me to feel pressured. I am able to stay "true to myself" Still, I sit back and wonder how many young wives I see with their “Jesus” tee shirts on really believe what the shirt says, or if they are just hoping to better fit in with her new neighbors, etc.